The lobster effect

Sometimes it is really difficult telling who your real friends are. Especially when people give you negative advice under the guise of imparting such wisdom 'for your own good.'

People can also get upset when you question their motives. Yet, it is necessary, even if you only ask the question inwardly, to wonder why people are telling you such things.

Sometimes it is easier not to share your ambitions with others. People will more often than not trample on your dreams. This will happen when people are not happy with their own circumstances but are too cowardly to do anything themselves. You are therefore insulting them when you express such desires etc.

Geoff Thompson in his book 'Shape Shifter' discusses this and talks about the lobster effect. When fishermen lift into their boats the lobster pots, the lobster at the top could have always easily escaped- if only the lobster below had let it go! Human beings can work in just the same way.

This is not to say that all human beings are alike. There are good friends out there who will support you. There is a time and a place however to share your dreams and aspirations. Choose your friends carefully.

Memory

Memories can be both a curse and a blessing. If you have suffered some tragic event in your life, this can be replayed so many times. You can analysis what happened, make a judgement about how your attitude was faulty then live with the consequences of such a response.

Of course, memories can also work the other way too. At this point in my life I am frustrated with my circumstances and I want to move on. I work ten hour days in a call centre trying to sell to anyone who happens to come into contact with me. It has been a year and a half since I completed my Masters degree and nothing much has happened. I have been applying for jobs in London. I hope to relocate there once I find a job. The plan is to write a steady five pages a day and work at becoming a decent writer.

I still write on my days off, this is something I need to do. But the ten hours on the phone seem to be killing me. I am becoming more and more anxious and I really need a change!

There are places I can still go. I can remember special occasions, like the time I wrote and recorded an EP with two friends. Then getting airplay on Cool FM! That give me a real sense of achievement and purpose. It also give me a chance to express myself and to be taken seriously.

One day, this moment in my life will also become a memory. I will be able to look back and laugh! There will be a distance between my future self and the person I am now, just as if I was watching someone play me on the big screen. It will be then that I won't take myself too seriously!

Charles Bukowski: Factotum

This is the poorest Bukowski novel I have read so far, which is not to say that it is entirely bad.

The book's last line is a statement of impotence: "I couldn't get it up." This detail is telling, for the novel describes an endless parade of deadend jobs with a listless sensibility; while the writing about women displays a love-hate attitude. Bukowski casually states that you will never find a women on skid row. The implication is that a woman would quicker use her body, (either professionally or under the guise of a relationship)- than slide to the bottom of the slippery slope.

It is a frustrating read. One wonders if Bukowski was being entirely honest with himself. Still, as a work of fiction it does describe accurately a particular attitude towards women. In particular, as a study of powerlessness and how this can effect male sexuality.

If this was the first book of Bukowski's I had picked up- I would not be tempted to try another; which is a shame.

Charles Bukowski: Hollywood

Most of Bukowski's novels deal with 'Tales of Ordinary Madness.' Yet he notes in this work that he has never witnessed anything just as mad as the Hollywood film industry.

In real life, he had the chance to write the screenplay for the film 'Barfly.' The book 'Hollywood' is a fictionalized account of this experience.

There are some really strange scenes, like the producer who threatens to cut off his fingers with a chainsaw unless the film is made. This helps the work stand out from the other Bukowski novels I have read. For despite his involvement, he is writing as an outside observer. He openly admits that he is not a movie buff and does not really enjoy films. He also claims that the reason these films get made is because we have got so used to bad films- we can't really tell the difference between good and bad anymore.

There are some beautiful moments of insight too- like imagining the actor who for most of his working life needs to pretend to be someone else. The tendrums of this actor are described as an inability to relate to people in any real context because of his lack of pyschological rooted-ness.

This book also gets to see Bukowski at the end of his life enjoying some real success. This is satisfying after reading about his childhood (Ham and Rye) and the mind numbing jobs he has had to suffer. (Post Office.)

This is a good book to leave and savour after getting through the other Bukowski corpus.

Philip Roth: Exit Ghost

Near the end of this book, the main character describes his trip to New York as a story between a has-been and the not-yets. That the main character is nearing the end of his life and suffering from impotence, offers a great perspective into the way in which our everyday concerns can be dictated my bodily needs-desires, etc.

It also offers great insight into the nature of sexual infatuation and the gap between such fantasy and 'reality.'

Yet, for all that nothing very much happens. This work is great as an amplification of the imagination. But it fails because it is about the private thoughts of 'the writer'- all the good stuff is in the narrator's head.

It is a frustrating read. Perhaps just like life, with moments of quiet desperation.