Bi Polar Decoder.

Being stuck in a rut for fifteen years isn't much fun. Despite being a philosophy graduate, there has been some part of me that has failed to grasp the maxim: "know thyself."

Not really knowing what you want out of life, one becomes like a ship that is battered from side to side; the tide and winds determining where you will eventually end up. The random occurrence of events, gives a puff of hope in a mundane world lacking in deliberation.

Yet, there is so much one can change.

My moods ravage me wildly, from ecstatic states that thrill and let me forget my pain, to the doldrums of depression, where there is a faint hope that I might whither away and sink deep below the surface of things.

Alcohol plays a big factor; the highs get higher and the lows lower. Like a bi polar decoder, the beauty of the world can be experienced in 3D widescreen with surround sound - while the pain and intensity of the smallest pin prick can whither me away into a mumbling wreck.

The trouble is with the lows. It is difficult to deal with such pain. To drink more can elevate these downs. Such self medication leads to the thorny issue of alcohol dependency. Drinking under these circumstances is never a solution - just a temporary reprieve on the corridors of death row.

Human relationships also become problematic. In a society where everyone drinks to celebrate, to commiserate - at weddings and concerts, nights out and nights in - there seems to be no escape. Then try telling your friends that you want to give up drink. One is expected to justify why you have chosen not to put one of the most dangerous drugs known to humanity into your your own body. It is as if your friends actually own you.

When you try to make a stand - it is then you discover how much people actually take you for granted. You are expected to attend this and that - you are meant to behave in such a manner. When you want to change your life and your circumstances - all of this will become disrupted. People will not know what to make of your 'erratic' behaviour. They may even become offended.

For a long time - I have been part of a matrix of mutual dependancy. At ten forty five every Saturday morning, my friends know where to find me. This has long been the case but neither have I got any closer to fulfilling my dreams. I have been going around in circles.

It was Ghandi who said that sometimes it is important to be in a minority of one but be living in the truth.

Too much choice.

I am easily distracted. I have two credit cards with thousands of pounds of available credit. I also have a large overdraft and thirty days off a year to go mad.

When you work in a mind numbing job, sometimes going mad really appeals. It is as if by losing yourself, you can also lose the pain of the unfulfilled dreams, the girlfriends that might have been and the hampered ambitions of youth.

Not to sound melodramatic - but the prisoner lives with certain advantages. He knows how long he has to serve. Once he accepts that, he can begin to develop and enrich his life. He might study for a degree, write a novel or learn to speak a second language.

In a 'free' society - it is all too easy to get distracted. In order to overcome the distractions of drink, numerous holidays and impulse buying, you need to also think about how easy it is to dig yourself into a financial hole.

It is not the grim reaper who is to be feared but a well polished salesman with the broadest of smiles, telling why you simply need the BM and detached house, in order to feel equal to your peers.

There is too much choice and far too little self control.