Bi Polar Decoder.

Being stuck in a rut for fifteen years isn't much fun. Despite being a philosophy graduate, there has been some part of me that has failed to grasp the maxim: "know thyself."

Not really knowing what you want out of life, one becomes like a ship that is battered from side to side; the tide and winds determining where you will eventually end up. The random occurrence of events, gives a puff of hope in a mundane world lacking in deliberation.

Yet, there is so much one can change.

My moods ravage me wildly, from ecstatic states that thrill and let me forget my pain, to the doldrums of depression, where there is a faint hope that I might whither away and sink deep below the surface of things.

Alcohol plays a big factor; the highs get higher and the lows lower. Like a bi polar decoder, the beauty of the world can be experienced in 3D widescreen with surround sound - while the pain and intensity of the smallest pin prick can whither me away into a mumbling wreck.

The trouble is with the lows. It is difficult to deal with such pain. To drink more can elevate these downs. Such self medication leads to the thorny issue of alcohol dependency. Drinking under these circumstances is never a solution - just a temporary reprieve on the corridors of death row.

Human relationships also become problematic. In a society where everyone drinks to celebrate, to commiserate - at weddings and concerts, nights out and nights in - there seems to be no escape. Then try telling your friends that you want to give up drink. One is expected to justify why you have chosen not to put one of the most dangerous drugs known to humanity into your your own body. It is as if your friends actually own you.

When you try to make a stand - it is then you discover how much people actually take you for granted. You are expected to attend this and that - you are meant to behave in such a manner. When you want to change your life and your circumstances - all of this will become disrupted. People will not know what to make of your 'erratic' behaviour. They may even become offended.

For a long time - I have been part of a matrix of mutual dependancy. At ten forty five every Saturday morning, my friends know where to find me. This has long been the case but neither have I got any closer to fulfilling my dreams. I have been going around in circles.

It was Ghandi who said that sometimes it is important to be in a minority of one but be living in the truth.

The Saturday morning tradition

I don't always believe in tradition but I do sometimes follow tradition. Every Saturday morning, my friends and I meet up at a cafe for an hour. There will be between three and eight of us on any given day. It's a great way to keep in touch despite the changes that occur in our lives.

This tradition has been ongoing now for about twelve years. We even meet up at the same time. 10:45. Why it should be this time rather than any other I have no idea. It has just become habit.

What has changed is the breakfast we consume. It used to be Ulster Fries all round. Now, we have diversified as we have became more health conscious.

Note: An Ulster fry differs significantly from a 'traditional English' or 'traditional Irish' breakfast. An English or Irish fry consist mainly of the same thing. Fried Eggs, sausage, black pudding and behold beans! An Ulster fry never has beans and rarely black pudding. It is more bread based. It is important to notice that it will always have soda bread and sometimes pancakes. Scottish fries differ again as you can get with them with sausage squares!

It is good to make a point in keeping in contact this way. Otherwise, without Saturday morning breakfast, we might have all drifted apart by now. Plus, it's a great excuse to get the hungry head on and pig out.

Yes 'friends'

If you ever observe from the distance anyone with even a little success, you will notice the amount of 'yes' people that surround them. It is as if such people get a little boost of esteem by being recognized by the individual concerned. Lottery winners, presidents and pop stars have hordes of people following them around. Such people are often idealized and guarded by these leeches.

I am reminded of the band Metallica. In the film documentary 'Some Kind of Monster,' everyone is bumming and blowing how great the new album sounds until the drummer's dad turns up. He is pretty critical about what he hears and speaks his mind. His son Lars takes this the right way. He laughs and recognizes what is going on. He sees the value in his father's friendship.

Likewise, during the band's induction into the Rock N Roll Hall of Fame, Lars thanks the people who have never been frightened to say 'no'. These people are vital to Metallica's success and help them move forward critically.

So often successful people do not have these kind of no-friends and so lose their way.

Intimacy and Contrariness

Aristotle famously defined human beings as "rational animals." With this, humanity was easily distinguished from the rest of the animal world. Within the history of western thought, it also helped forge certain allegiences. When Christian writers wanted to illustrate the uniqueness of humanity, the rational facility became associated with the concept of soul. (St. Thomas is largely credited with reintroducing Aristole as a respectable presence within the western academy.) Indeed, the German word 'Geist' means both Mind and Spirit!

There is however an arbitariness with such a defination. We can understand human beings in many different ways. One can, for instance, see the capacity of intimacy that human beings display as something distinguishable by degree. True, we can see the capacity for intimacy with Elephants and Dolphens. Yet, such intimacy is expressed physically. In human beings, it can be displayed in a manifold manner.

Before getting ahead of ourselves it is worth reflecting upon what we mean by this word. First, intimacy is generally understood to imply closeness. This is easy enough understood when discribing the kind of physical proximity between lovers. We can also be intimate with friends in a non-sexual way. We may share our concerns with a friend, confiding desires, hopes, diasappointments etc. We still may be considered close to such a friend but this 'closeness' is understood by way of analogy. Second, there comes with this intimacy, whether physical or intellectual, a measure of trust. We choose those people who we wish to be intimate with. As individuals, we do not always allow the public complete excess to our body and soul. Sometimes, we have learnt not to trust certain thoughts and feelings through bitter experience. The friend who laughs when a desire is expressed can quickly become a stranger. Such pain can also help build a wall around that which we consider most sacred.

Already we can see how different this is to the notion that human beings are 'rational animals'. Rationality is something non-personal, objective and open to public view. Intimacy, on the otherhand, is something different from the public persona, something beyond dialogues of Truth and Falsehood. It is for this reason that intimacy can have such an subversive effect.

When one thinks of Romeo and Juliette, we see the lovers rebelling against the wishes of two waring families. In George Orwell's 1984, Winston Smith tries to get beyond the eyes of Big Brother, seeking privacy in order to become intimate with a secret lover. Such intimacy is an act of contrariness, a subversive action beyond the control of the offical dialogues of history, state, meaning and purpose. The desire to become intimate is something entirely human but not in the Aristotlian sense.