Patience

I have been writing a new novel now for nearly three months. Without wanting to put the blink on it, it is easily the best thing I have ever written. A few things have helped me over the last while.

First, I have discovered the works of Graham Greene, Celine and Bukowski. These guys are not really conventional writers but they have connected with me in ways others haven't. Celine and Bukowski don't even seem to have plots to their work because so much of it is taken from episodes in real life. To that extent, it is closer than heavily plotted novels where there are neat and tidy endings. Greene is probably the most ornate of these writers but there is still a high value of reality within his books. He would certainly describe with accuracy the way people might think given their circumstances and history.

The other big influence has been going to see Will Self read as described elsewhere in this blog. Writers and books always held a kind of mystery for me- as if the people themselves where absent from my world. Seeing a great writer read in the flesh and have him discuss literature with an attentive audience was a super way to kick me out of this mystical slump that I had fallen into. These guys are normal, though gifted individuals. If I work at it, I too can come close to achieving what they have done.

The most difficult thing for me is having the patience. Being unhappy with my current circumstances, I would like everything to improve right now, this minute!

I have to be realistic and accept that this is not going to happen. But like the Film, 'The Great Escape'- with time, courage, patience and intelligence I will get there!

Memory

Memories can be both a curse and a blessing. If you have suffered some tragic event in your life, this can be replayed so many times. You can analysis what happened, make a judgement about how your attitude was faulty then live with the consequences of such a response.

Of course, memories can also work the other way too. At this point in my life I am frustrated with my circumstances and I want to move on. I work ten hour days in a call centre trying to sell to anyone who happens to come into contact with me. It has been a year and a half since I completed my Masters degree and nothing much has happened. I have been applying for jobs in London. I hope to relocate there once I find a job. The plan is to write a steady five pages a day and work at becoming a decent writer.

I still write on my days off, this is something I need to do. But the ten hours on the phone seem to be killing me. I am becoming more and more anxious and I really need a change!

There are places I can still go. I can remember special occasions, like the time I wrote and recorded an EP with two friends. Then getting airplay on Cool FM! That give me a real sense of achievement and purpose. It also give me a chance to express myself and to be taken seriously.

One day, this moment in my life will also become a memory. I will be able to look back and laugh! There will be a distance between my future self and the person I am now, just as if I was watching someone play me on the big screen. It will be then that I won't take myself too seriously!